In this episode, I pose as a beautiful woman and seduce my way into the building. Then I lay these jokes on the writers table. Then I take off my disguise and say “HA HA!”. Then I realize that they still all want to hook up.
1. Apple is being accused of evading taxes on 44 billion dollars of profit. Apple said they would make it all up by sending congress 4 Macbook pros with applecare.
2. Apple saved billions of dollars by putting them into Irish subsidiaries. Authorities said they will take control of the money once they get a hold of Apple’s tiny accountant, Paddy O’Flannigan [ PHOTO OF LEPRECHAUN WITH A BLUETOOTH]
3. Today it was announced that Justin Bieber’s pet monkey has now become property of the German government. They plan to give it to a loving home once they ween it off Monster Energy Drinks and Proactive.
4. Beyonce leaked a song today entitled “Grown Woman.” In 9 months or so, Beyonce is expected to release a couple more tracks along with a human baby.
5. Zack Galifinakis is planning on taking a homeless woman to the Hangover 3 premiere. People are already saying it will be a great opportunity to see the effects of living in the gutter and also a homeless woman will be there.
6. Even with all the recent scandals and leaks, President Obama’s approval rating has not gone down. The report said that people who disapprove of the president are the same people who feel sorry for Fox News and the IRS which is nobody.
7. The founder of Tumblr, who just sold his company to Yahoo for 1.1 billion dollars, said he sometimes thinks about going to college. But he said he would tackle that when he’s looking to buy.
8. Judd Apatow said last night that he didn’t attend Lena Dunham’s birthday because he wasn’t invited. When Judd asked to be invited to the after party, Lena said “Oh you wanna bring your daughters again?…we’re prolly gonna call it a night actually…”
9. Eva Longoria tweeted a picture of herself wearing underwear with a caption reading “No wardrobe malfunctions tonight!” before going onto the red carpet. Reporters tweeted back “Ehh there’s always Ke$ha.”
10. Eminem is suing Facebook for using 30 seconds of his song in one of their commercials. Facebook apologized and said they played his song to advertise a new feature that allows you to threaten ex-girlfriends.